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lookalikalennon's Journal  I would like to appoliges and say that I am sorry for writing those thing in the last entries. I know that people will miss me and the real reason why I don't kill myself is I can't hurt the people that are in my life. So I'm sorry again... Current mood:  cheerful.Current music: Glass Onion - The Beatles. Lets see today I woke up around 1 o'clock today and went to have brunch with Allison. We talked about the same subject that I was and is still dealing with today. I'm just sitting here waiting for my cell phone to ring so I can talk to Krystal. I am just so afriad that I will be hurt. I've been tossing and turning last night and I just couldn't go to sleep. I tried to tell myself that everything would be ok but I just can't get it out of my head. I think that I'm worrying over nothing, that it will all be ok. Its just that we went though our one year ann. on October 27th and we were doing so well. Its just sad that I can't celebrate our one year one month ann. She told me that she would call me at four and it is now 4 19. Its stuff like this that makes me think if she is one the other line talking to this guy. I just don't know what to think anymore. My mind is racing around like I can't stop it. I don't know what to do. I need a cig. so I'm just going to go... Current mood:  depressed.Current music: I'm A Loser - The Beatles. I just got off the phone with one of my best friends from back home. This kid is a good egg I mean he will give his left kidney for me if I needed it. When I get married I'm telling you he is going to be my best man. I love this guy so much and for all the sickos out there, no I'm not gay. Anyways, he was telling me that his cousin told him that my Krystal had a boyfriend and stuff like that. Well, I was in shock. I didn't know what to believe but then I started to think. Why would Krystal be so cold as to drag my mental state though this whole entire episode. I don't believe that she would do that to me. I was pretty down at the fact that she might have one but I know in my heart she doesn't. But, if she does then that would be the sickest, most inhumane thing to do to someone. I mean all the promises she had told me in the past. It wouldn't have added up if she did go behind my back and find someone else. The thing that points out mostly in my head that she doesn't have one is that promise she told me, "I swear on my grand pappy that I'll never leave or hurt you again." I honestly believe that. Right now I'm just typing out my feelings while my roommate is trying to go to sleep. Man, how can he sleep. I'm not even tired right now and I've been up since one, nine hours I've been up. It doesn't really seem that when you sit there looking at the clock. I've been feeling better since I've been reassuring things in my head and I'm slowly getting better. I can hear everyone that I mostly know outside....(twenty minute pause) I was just outside having a smoke with my friends that I just said in the pervious sentence and I was talking to Allison and it felt really good just talking to her and joking with her. I just really feel like I should just jump right out of this window because there is nothing for me here. I really feel like if I die no one would really care. Yeah they would be sad but they would move on with there life. But, I can't do it..I just can't take my own life.. No matter how hard I try I just think, What would happen if I just spare myself..But the next day I just end up starting on the same road that I was on the pervious day. I really can't control my thoughts anymore. I thought that if I took my meds that I would be able to but the doctors are just fucking lying to your face. I see right though there fancy shirts and suits. I know that they really don't care about you they just care what type of car they drive and how much money they can get out of you for that hour of just bullshitting with you. If you actually tell them what is on your mind they put you away in some type of hospital. If you don't tell them what you are feeling, then you will never get help and you will walk this earth with that subject hanging over your head like crow. If its one thing in life that I have learned is that never trust anyone. Keep your "friends" close but your enemies even closer. But what I take life for is just live it to live. Don't live it like the "man" tells you how to live it. Be your own person. Have fun with your life, its your only one. Don't get trap with this Life drama that people throw in your fucking face. It your decision to listen to life. Are you going to take the shit or are you going to do something about it? Current mood: pessimistic.Current music: Don't Let Me Down - The Beatles. Since I last wrote I went to McDonalds with my one friend and I found out stuff that went on last night that totally blew my ideas of her relationship right out of the water. I asked her if she is afraid of what she did because she still likes him or not. She told me that she is over him and she is just being happy single. Which is ok for me but I don't know about you guys I just hate being single. I guess the reason why I feel that way is I was called fat and ugly since kindergarten. So I just believe that I am fat and I am never happy with myself. I talked to my other friend today and he is just one of those guys that you love to talk to because he is so happy and he always cheers me up. We were talking about his show tonight and what he is going to be playing and I love it. Classic Rock all the way... I am very interested with what movie he was telling me about, it is called "Good Morning Vietnam" (I hope thats right) and it seems like a very good movie. Anyways, back to the other friend, I just feel really sorry for her ex-boyfriend. Don't get me wrong I don't have any beef with her, I just know how "he" is going to feel because I've been down that road..Trust Me I have...My roommate and I were supposed to watch a movie tonight but he bailed to help a friend that just got his wisdom teeth pulled. Right now as I'm typing I feel really alone like what I'm writing no one is going to see this. I don't think anyone will know what I write. Its just so hard to be left alone because that is when I think and its not good for me to think for so long. I start to get these ideas in my head and because of thoses ideas I was put on medication. I just really feel trapped in this room, like there is nothing I can do but to watch my mind peal and bleed inside of my head. I haven't been taking my meds in like three days and my mind is racing again. I'm beginning to pick out people and just wail on them. Its getting so bad that I'm making so many typos its not even funny. Why am I talking no one is going to read this. But hey it is a good vent. Anyways I'm just going to go now maybe I'll be back...ha Current mood: lonely.Current music: You Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones. Right now I'm really bored with my life. I really can't find a reason for my life right now. I talked to Carolyn today about my situation. She really calmed me down today even though I don't think she knows how much she helped me today. It is friends like them who make me happy to be up here in the first place. I have a mid-term in my one class that I need to complete for Tuesday but I don't really care if I get it done or not. I'm just sitting here watching Alex playing my Sim 2 game and just enjoying taking in the air for the moment. I still have to hunger for anything right now. I tried to get a meatball sub today and I just couldn't eat it. I don't know if I'm sick or I'm really missing my Krystal. Well, I talked to her today and I just made it clear to myself that we will get together again and nothing bad is going to happen to us. She also mentioned today if I was high or something but I'm not going to get high anymore. I need to grow up and I can't be smoking weed for the rest of my life. Oh by the way he also doesn't know it but Alex had really helped me to with all of my problems I faced. I just hope that he doesn't get to annyoed with me. I forgot to mention that yesterday I might be getting into trouble with my Tuba Instructor becaues I don't know how or what I was doing that made me miss this one concert that was held on Wed. I believe. Today I was very lazy, I woke up around 1:30 pm today. I just don't know what to do anymore.......I'm feeling pretty tired....nighty night...... Sorry for the random ideas that i right but you are going to find that alot in what I write. I have a runaway mind that I just type or say what is on my mind..night. Current mood: crappy.Current music: Behind Blue Eyes - The Who. I just got off the phone with her and I tell you that I would stop the world and wait for her to come to me and sit by my side. I know that she still wants to marry me because she just told me so on the phone. That right there just makes my day. But its hard it is really hard to go out with her knowing that I can't hold or kiss her or even hold her hand even. Its going to hurt but it will be ok. We will get though this. I going to go though this so smoothly because I don't want to jeopardize our future. I love her so much that I would do anything just to know that she is mine and she will anyways be mine. I am a Beatles fanatic and I told her this many times but I want other people that read this to know. I have a 900 dollar Beatle Bass Guitar, one that looks like Paul's one and I would give that up in a heart beat. I would sell everything I own just to be with her. People walk this earth to find love and I am so lucky that I only had to walk for eighteen years to find love. I've been thinking since I've been writing this entry and I'm just contempt to hear her say I love you. Did you every have something happen to you that you just don't really care what happens to you. Thats what I feel right now. I used to pray to God for Krystal to come back to me and my prayers have been answered. But, now I pray for something else, I pray for Krystal and her safety. She doesn't deserve what is going on with her and school. I'm sorry but people can be so sick and vile. I don't know if its just me or people really need to fucking grow up in this world... Anyways on to new news. I've been hanging out with my friend for basically the whole and I found out that she had just broken up with my other friend. She is doing really shitty and I tried to be there for her but I can only do so much. I know that deep down inside of her she really misses him and that she wants to be back with him so I'm trying my best to get them back together. She was telling me today that she doesn't know if she wants him or not. But, I see her checking her dorm phone to see if he had called her. I just really want to say, HEY!! Just tell him you love him and you miss him already!!! But she is in denial all over the whole thing. But, there is one thing that she pointed out that came very clear to me. She told me that she doesn't feel any butterflies in her stomach when she is with him. I just couldn't say anything because there are so many butterflies in my stomach when I see my Krystal that I just feel like I'm floating up in space. I always leave my entries with a quote....... When you see a flower that is worth picking..go ahead and pick it up..don't just sit there and watch it wilt away out of your grasp.. You are in control of what you want to grow and what you need to grow.. just be carefull... Well today is the first day that I'm trying to cope with what happened to me yesterday. Well I'm both annoyed and ok with the idea that me and my fiance should stop seeing each other until she gets out of High School. Don't worry its not because she wants to go out with anyone else, or at least I think so. Anyways, the real reason behind that is because she did some mistakes in the past and she is now paying for it more then she should. My ex-friends have been calling her the town slut and countless names and she just can't take it anymore so we both, more then her then me, thought it would be a good idea to not go out until she gets out of the High School bullshit. Which really pisses me off about my ex-friends because A) it is not there fucking life to get between us and B)ITS NOT THERE FUCKING LIFE. I mean how can people actually go to sleep at night realizing that they fucked up a life that there friend once had. I'm sorry I never did anything to harm my ex-friends, why are they doing it to me. Man I tell you that I'm just so glad that I am here at college and away from all of that bullshit. I am happy for the friends that I have made here and I tell you this right now I would never, ever, ever trade them for the world. They mean so much for me but not as much as my Krystal. I'm sorry but nothing comes even close to my Krystal. She is my world to me and I wish that my ex-friends can see this but hey, its there life and they can have what they did to me on themselves. I didn't do anything wrong and I know that. But I just want to ask all the people that reads this..Did you ever once desert your friend because of a choice they have made? If you had please listen to these words, No matter what that friend did that made you leave them, they probably still love you and they would still be with you. But ask yourself this one question, If you hurt a friend like so, do YOU even deserve that friend. Do you deserve to be equal with him....Be happy with yourself for you only have one of you and many chances to be happy with yourself, please don't spoil them. For this entry that I am doing right now, I don't care who or what reads this. If you don't know who I am by my username then I guess you will never know...haha.. I just want to get something off my mind. If you have a certian problem with someone or a group have the fucking balls to show your face. Just because you signed something doesn't make you all big and mighty. When you sign something you better back up your mouth when it comes to the time for you to back up your big mouth. Now your probably saying "oh what about you, you didn't even give us your name. You're the chicken shit." Fine here is my name, I am Christian and I am a member of HBT. Now I was pretty pissed off by the letter that people wrote us. Most of the reasons were because things are not going the way the "olden days" use to go. Right there should be a hint for you people. OLDEN DAYS!!!!!! We are not in the past and were are not in the future. We are in the now and what goes on now happens now not then, not coming up, now. Those people are not in HBT anymore, yeah I'm happy that you care but don't you even dare fucking smack us in the face with a letter. You think that we put you down. What about us? Did you ever even think about that you let us down with your letter filled with shit!! Another things also comes to mind when you kindly twisted the knife in our backs' by saying that "Oh and the pledges never had blindfolds on. That makes me so mad" Did you even stop to think that there was an accident and if we would have been blindfolded that there would have been even more serious damage to us or even worse Death.. Oh but you people never even thought of that did you. You people were so fucking worried about the past and how it was tradition to blindfold everyone no matter what. I think it's pretty sad that you people still were mad at us that we were not blindfolded, given the fact, GIVEN THE FUCKING FACT, that there was a accident. Thats pretty much all I have to say right now. I just think that before people want to pick out the bad side of other people they need to look in the mirror first. For this entry that I am doing right now, I don't care who or what reads this. If you don't know who I am by my username then I guess you will never know...haha.. I just want to get something off my mind. If you have a certian problem with someone or a group have the fucking balls to show your face. Just because you signed something doesn't make you all big and mighty. When you sign something you better back up your mouth when it comes to the time for you to back up your big mouth. Now your probably saying "oh what about you, you didn't even give us your name. You're the chicken shit." Fine here is my name, I am Christian and I am a member of HBT. Now I was pretty pissed off by the letter that people wrote us. Most of the reasons were because things are not going the way the "olden days" use to go. Right there should be a hint for you people. OLDEN DAYS!!!!!! We are not in the past and were are not in the future. We are in the now and what goes on now happens now not then, not coming up, now. Those people are not in HBT anymore, yeah I'm happy that you care but don't you even dare fucking smack us in the face with a letter. You think that we put you down. What about us? Did you ever even think about that you let us down with your letter filled with shit!! Another things also comes to mind when you kindly twisted the knife in our backs' by saying that "Oh and the pledges never had blindfolds on. That makes me so mad" Did you even stop to think that there was an accident and if we would have been blindfolded that there would have been even more serious damage to us or even worse Death.. Oh but you people never even thought of that did you. You people were so fucking worried about the past and how it was tradition to blindfold everyone no matter what. I think it's pretty sad that you people still were mad at us that we were not blindfolded, given the fact, GIVEN THE FUCKING FACT, that there was a accident. Thats pretty much all I have to say right now. I just think that before people want to pick out the bad side of other people they need to look in the mirror first. |
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